Monday, July 23, 2012

How a demoniac reads Psalms 139

When it comes to God, how I feel and what I think are very difficult to put into words. They come out clumsy and disconnected sometimes; but, I'm going to make the effort here, anyway. I think it's time well-spent—that is, trying to understand God and sorting out your feelings and thoughts along the way—and I'll never get it right if I don't try (and, I definitely think it's right to try when it comes to your improving your understanding of God, even if you don't intend to do it publicly, as I have chosen to do).

Psalms 139, as of right now, feels like the closest match for me at this point in my life, and is presented below. Along the way, I've added my own notes to show which parts resonate with me the most, and how they resonate.

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139 Lord, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
I actually know what it feels like to be searched and known on that level by and through my experience with the Voices Demons, albeit in a bad way. They have peered into both my past and future, and always know my next move; they have done this for so long, they can anticipate hunger, thirst, sleepiness, sicknesses, and the like long before these occur. They use this for their nefarious purposes, of course; but, now that I know via this psalm that God knows me this intimately, too, I know that He is not outmatched by any demon, and that He likely uses His knowledge for good purposes. How do I know for sure that verses 1-4a speak the truth about God? Because these verses describe exactly what the Voices Demons pay attention to. That cannot be a coincidence, and I can assume that these things about us are just those about you that angelic/demonic creatures focus on, for whatever reason.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
It is wonderful because I fully realize that it's true—as I said, I've seen it in action, so I know God does it, or it wouldn't be described so accurately 3,000 years or so in advance of it happening to me.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
This is just pure comfort food for my soul. The demons have limited range; but, I know God to have been with me no matter where I've been (at least I would like to believe that). What's more is, a demon's power is proportional to its proximity to its point of entry (or origin) into our realm; by contrast, in my experience, God's power is proportional to my need. Hallelujah!
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
I have reasoned by reading the Word of God in faith that God does not give us more than we can handle, and for what we can't handle, Jesus is there (Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. [Matthew 11:28]) That means, by implication, that I am built to handle this problem, that I should learn to know the difference between the things I can change, and the things that I cannot; and, that I should learn to lean on my dear Lord's breast when I need rest. 
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
After having been through the last six years of what has been a near lifelong struggle with demons (most prominently between the ages of 5 and 8, and again at 32 and until now), I have learned to be more forgiving of people. I've seen the other side of their struggle, so it's easier for me to calm down after getting angry, and grudges are a thing of the past. Still, there are those who willfully decide to do evil, and then there is worse: those who mask their evil intent to do bodily harm by accusing others of evil. Despicable! Those I hate—the ones who, in essence, take the Lord's name in vain, which is what this verse is intended to mean here.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
This just reminds me to very careful about the path I lead people down, both intentionally and inadvertently. In this situation, it is very easy to generate ire and anger, particularly through lawsuits and the like. By inciting anger, I may be tempting someone's weak spot. You have to be very careful about these things, even when you're in the right. Can you cast someone into Hell by leading them into sinning, which you know they'll do if you, say, exercise your civil right to access to courts? In a way, yes, even if the decision is ultimately theirs. I've seen the mouth of Hell. Send no one there, under any circumstances.